Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
