it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
