At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
