remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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