I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
