New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
