There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
