She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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