he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
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He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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