it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
