Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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