I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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