Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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