I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
