mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
