Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
People in love make me want to vomit
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
