i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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