I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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