Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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