Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
now i know why i became what i already was.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
