when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
