I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
