Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i love accidental penises.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
