marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i've created a new STD.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
