i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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