when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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