last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
