I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
