mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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