Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
