I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
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I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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