I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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