i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
