god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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