I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
