Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
