she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
