Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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