tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
