Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
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if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
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When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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