Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
