i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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