i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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