I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
