I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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