Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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