And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
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Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
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He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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