who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
