Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
