i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
