Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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