Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
