You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
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YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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