How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
