Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
