sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
